The five stages of being Kim Kardashian’s BFF


Despite many critics and much teenage outrage around the world, Kim Kardashian is successful. People are interested in her. With 22.7 million people keeping up with her Twitter updates and 17.3 million followers liking her selfies on Instagram, it is undeniable that she’s become an icon for millions, in spite of never really doing anything. She’s famous enough to have released an application game based on her life—a $200 million hit by the way—and as one among the masses, I had to play it. It only made sense.

So, here are the five stages beginning with the moment you hear about the game to your inevitable transformation into a power-hungry A-lister:

1. Curiosity: You may not be a huge Kim fan, but you definitely know her name, unless you’ve been living under a rock (in that case, kudos to you for living with wriggly worms). You’ve heard of the game, perhaps from the fancy news site you visit every day or from a friend who casually mentioned it. Either way, you google it, and before you know it, you have the App Store open, watching a little spinning wheel as the app installs on your phone. It’s free. It’s Kim Kardashian. Why the hell not?

2. Oblivion: I mean this in the best way, but this is the part where I’ll add a Game of Thrones reference and rightfully say, “you know nothing” (to be clear, you’re Jon Snow in this scenario). You’re in the “cool-game-but-nothing-bad-will-ever-happen-to-me” stage. This stage is blissful ignorance, where you’re steadily moving up from the E-list to the C-list, and still haven’t grown jaded to the snooty retorts of every person you talk to. Oh, you sweet naive baby moose.

3. Sweet, Sweet Success: To this point, you’ve probably had several encounters with your apparent nemesis, Willow Pape and are feeling unstoppable. You’re probably letting fame get to your head and making some snippy remarks about Willow, leading to your status lowering, keeping you from reaching the famed A-list. You’re mildly annoyed, but live and learn, am I right? There’s something beautiful about your blue B-lister star being replaced by a shiny, gold star with a big white A. This is it. This is the American Dream. #winning. Now, you’re also no longer using hashtags ironically.

4. Anger: There’s a lot of fast tapping in this stage. You’re swivelling the screen from side to side, trying to find the action that will give you the highest star. You also realize that Kim Kardashian Stars, which are used to buy anything truly cool, are tough to come by and the free offers are just a waste of time. You’re an A-lister, but it’s not enough. Where are the perks? Where are the hundreds of people asking for your autograph and the aggressive paparazzi begging for a scandal? Where are the boys in colorful shorts and snazzy sunglasses fist-pumping the air because they got your number? Many people give up in this stage. But, for those who are seriously in it to win it, abandoning the game is not an option. You keep trudging onwards and upwards towards further stardom. You will not be defeated.

5. Metamorphosis: There’s no point to anything anymore. You move on from modelling to acting, but it all feels so empty. You can’t remember why you started in the first place. You don’t even know who you are anymore. Your friends beg you to stop, but you don’t. You won’t. You cling tightly to your gold star, boldly announcing your A-lister status to anyone who will listen. You begin using actual game strategies. Sometimes, the words my precious echo in the back of your head, but you dismiss them and accept another modelling job. Time passes in strange bursts of energy stars and a hollow void grows within you. Gary Jules plays in the background. You look in the mirror only to find a disturbing image. You are Kim Kardashian.