How to read this article: Step 1

Let’s face it: in a world of 7 billion people, with the combination of freedom of speech (for the most part), computers, Nascar, and hedgehogs, there are some weird things bound to show up on the Internet. We’ve known this for a long time: songs like “Gangnam Style,” movies like Sharknado, and senatorial candidates like Vermin Supreme have made a profound impact on what we listen to, what we watch, and even whom we vote for.

Maybe it shouldn’t come as a surprise, then, that there is an abundance of “How-to” tutorials on the Web, and many of them are just plain odd. WikiHow, the largest collection of step-by-step guides in the world, has some very strange instruction manuals. The other day, while I was surfing in my day-to-day-doing-nothing, I came across a step-by-step guide on, and I kid you not, “How to Impress Middle School Boys with Your Knowledge of Family Guy.”  It was just so weird.

I confess, I am not a renowned connoisseur of middle school boys and their interests, mostly because I would probably end up in jail. I am, however, a high schooler, which means I did endure those awful three years of pre-pubescent social life. I can still hear the screams of a very scared little boy—disclaimer: it was me—whose fears came to life when he was chosen in a game of  “Truth or Dare.” Regardless, the title was so oddly specific, and so incredibly compelling, that I knew I had to read it. Out of all the steps, I can confidently say that my favorite is number 2: “watch the show.” As if not impressing boys with the knowledge of Family Guy was bad enough, some would actually have the nerve to not even watch the show, and just look up funny quotes! The horror!

At any rate, this really sparked my interest in perusing the depths into which no man should venture: the darker side of the already shady WikiHow. I have braved the countless dangers, such as learning “How to Rip Paper,” and I even discovered the secret to giving “Passive Aggressive Gifts for Christmas.” So, without further ado, here are my top three weirdest WikiHow articles.


1) How to Hold Your Poop in Embarrassing Situations

Favorite Steps:

Step 3: When you feel the urge to let nature take its course, tighten your glutes.

Step 6: Above all, keep your dignity and stay calm.

Problem with the Article: I really could’ve used this yesterday.

Overall Consensus: The article offers a detailed look into the lives of the unfortunate, leaving the reader with a stained conscience.


2) How to Be Okay with Having a Communist Friend

Favorite Step:

Step 7: Focus on the better things in your friendship.

Problem with the Article: It fails to address the issue of those damn kapitalist dogs!

Overall Consensus: The article proves useless, since it’s impossible to test it out within Graded’s population.


3) How to Stop a Wedding

Favorite Step:

Step 4: Avoid dramatic scenes if possible.

Problem with the Article: My dream of marrying the love of my life is now crushed, because people know how to stop it.

Overall Consensus: Although the tutorial’s intent may be admirable, the writers seem to lack a basic understanding of how human society works.


To be honest, despite all their unusual steps, and bizarre situations, if these step-by-step guides are really helping people, then so be it. I mean, come on… one day you will wish that you had learned “How to Bless Someone,” and by then, it will have been too late.